Hey Lincoln, Can You Handle This?

Brace yourselves, there’s a joke coming; or maybe it’s going, it’s hard to tell with the 2017 Lincoln Continental anyways.

If you want to call it names, may we suggest “the Bentluar” or “the Jaguey”. It’s a Frankencar, a mish-mash of British themes so badly executed it begs the question why Ford didn’t keep the original concept and just swallow the bill of a lawsuit. It’d probably cost them less.

Or why, for that matter, they sold Jaguar in the first place. Well, they spent zillions and almost run it to the ground signing off atrocities products like the X-type and entering Formula 1 with fanfare only to exit ridiculed, that’s why.

It’s like someone in Lincoln’s design studio said “That Luke Donkewalker is nagging we copied his car, let’s change it a bit” and the end result of their effort (all two and a half hours, judging by its looks) is this.

Ah, but it does have an ace up its sleeve this new Conti: its door handles. Ever got excited about door handles? No? Lincoln thinks you should because they are not where other door handles usually reside.

No sir. They are integrated into the chrome trim that runs the length of the windows. Look, ma! No handles! Eat your heart out, you cocky Germans with your coupe-like piece of sheet metal.

It’s touch-sensitive, too, so you don’t have to strain yourself with a latch. In fact, even if you wanted to do something so tedious you can’t because it’s fixed. See? Just like opening the door of your refrigerator, only you won’t see anything interesting in inside.

Let’s skip the “inside” part, though, if you don’t mind. The exterior and especially the tasteful door handles are much more than one can handle in one day.

Methinks this is a bad joke. Indeed, it’s the worst joke of the day, handles down. I mean, hands down.